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Sometimes it feels awkward knowing what to say about a recent death. This article suggests some principles of how to approach the conversation gently, what not to do or say, and then offers a dialogue to illustrate.

Principles of a gentle conversation:

·        Be patient, there will be some silences, allow those to happen

·        Match your tone and tempo to the speaker. Grief slows down one’s talking and thinking pace, people are quieter, one’s tone is softer. Don’t respond with a chipper, hopeful, upbeat response about how Larry is in a better place.

·        Focus on the speaker. Allow the story to unfold. Resist telling the story of your spouse’s death. That just deflects the attention onto you.

·        Gear your language to match that of the speaker. If Helen is describing her husband’s last hours and says, “He seemed so peaceful and comfortable,” don’t respond with “That must have been horrible for you and your daughter.”

·        Ask open-ended questions: “I am sorry to hear about Lucy’s death…tell me about it.” “Is there anything I can do for you or your family?” “How is John doing?” “Catch me up on Fred’s situation.”

· Closed-ended questions or comments are usually not appropriate: “When did he die?” “I bet you felt terrible.” “Were you satisfied with his care at the end?” “I know how you feel.”

·        Paraphrase what you hear. Paraphrasing pays attention to both the content and the feeling: “It is a really sad time for you and you aren’t sure you are prepared to deal with the estate details.” “Right now everything seems numb and going too fast.”

Here is a sample dialogue that attempts to demonstrate a gentle conversation:

You: “I heard about George’s death. How are you doing?”

Your Friend: “Wow, I have never felt so lost and confused. We really didn’t expect the cancer to grow so fast and we hadn’t made any advance plans.”

You: “A really sad and confusing time for you.”

Your Friend: “Exactly. I’m not sure where to turn for help.”

You: “What kind of help do you feel you most need?”

Your Friend: “My daughter has been great about taking care of food, the funeral arrangements, and the family. I have no idea of where to start with the death certificate, the will, and banking arrangements.”

You: “So your daughter is taking care of family matters. For you, it is the technical stuff that is baffling.”

Your Friend: “Right.”

You: “Who do you think you might rely on for those issues?"

We can best help those who are grieving when we listen deeply and allow the conversation to progress without our own agenda getting in the way. Using open-ended questions and paraphrasing what we hear enables us as listener to better understand and be supportive. Next time you are with a friend or relative who is in the midst of a loss, give this technique a try. And remember, communication techniques improve with practice.
 

Kem's Open Office

The purpose of my Open Office is to provide an informal, drop-in venue for MAID advocates to come together, get updates, and meet other folks including other Action Team members. And it's over Zoom, so you won't have to wear a mask!

Meet with us over a cup of coffee, ask questions, share ideas...

Here is your invitation to attend my next open office on Friday, November 19th. Drop in via Zoom any time between 10:00 and 12:00, and stay for as long as you like.
 

Or, copy and paste this link into your browser when the Open Office is in session: 

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86127939221?pwd=eDc1cERwVDdyMEFFUHZ1VXZNbERvQT09

I look forward to chatting with you on Friday, November 19th!
Kem

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